| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|07:02 pm] |
HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY EVERYONE!!!! if you still read my page at all, shit its been almost a month. Sorry been BUSY ALOT!!!!!!! more quick updates
1. I LOVE COLLEGE!!!! ( NO MORE HIGHSCHOOL BULLSHIT)
2. Been spending time with the girls (jacki, amanda, and bonnie)
3.Still work at BK so stop by if you want too.
oh yeah and one more thing.......I AM MOVING TO ATLANTA IN 8 MONTHS!!!!
Peace out New Hampshire |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|11:34 pm] |
it has been a long time, just want to Apologize for being a HUGE DUESCHEBAG!!!!! sorry bout that guys, just stupid shit that affected me, that really shouldnt have fucked with me.
Now with that aside, I guess Everything has gotten better, kinda.
Life has been pretty good. I'm sorry i havent been giving you my time. ITs been hard since Bonnie has been living with me, i really havent been able to step outof the click. Sorry bout that,give me a call sometime 345-0493, dont have many of your numbers.
I have been such a bastard the past month. Oh well nothing i can do it.
Quick Highlights
1. Quit Dunkins
2. Start College on Monday
3. Got a new Laptop
4. Been working alot.
5. Still looking for "Mrs Right"
6. Settling for "Mrs. Right now"
Peace |
|
|
| This is for you, Mystery Commenter |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|01:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
"i don't understand you, here you go yelling about the injustice of the world and how you have learned to get over it all by dealing with your life, but i must say you are obviously not over anything if you freaked out and ranted about all this. also, you say you don't need anyones help or want there attention, but then why write this here? you could have just as easily taken your frustration out in a notepad document and then deleted it or kept it for yourself, writing it here is just contradictory because you know all your friends will read it"
OK I already wrote you a reply on your comment. This is what Post is directly AIMED TOWARDS YOU! This is why im about to write what im going to write, to let you know what i have come to terms with and what i havent.
Things i have come to terms with
1:YES I KNOW I AINT A HANDSOME DEVIL
2: LIFE DOES SUCK! thats why i really dont give a shit about it.
3: I'm not a nice guy alot.
4: I realise that people do suck, but some of them are the best fucking people in the world.
5: I realise that i let myself be taken advantage, for whatever subconcious reason i do it.
6: Yes i am very contradicting. BUT WHO THE FUCK ISN'T! My life is a Paradox. For some reason i like that.
Things I haven't come to terms with.
1: That i have the potential to be someone.
2: That sometimes people do fucking care.
3: That in the end, I can never change.
4: One day i know ill be happy, even if i dont deserve to be.
5: That people do depend on me.
6: That people like you can cast judgement from the shadows, and still feel justified by what they said.
All i have to say to you is YOUR A COWARD! you cant even .let people know who you are. IF i wrote that to someone else, i would let them know it was me. I would rather have someone stand up and look the devil in the eye, and fail. Then to have someone in the shadow throw a stone at someone and leave.
I know I'm better than you. I wrote what i wrote, i take responsibility. You write and hide who you are. YOUR A FUCKING COWARD! |
|
|
| ahh shit, there goes my temper |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|09:28 pm] |
i understand, what i just wrote today, thats a heavy feeling that i have had. It's just a compilation of stress, akward growing up phase, and trying to find out stuff in my life. a took a small thing today that ticked me off, really dont remeber, im glad i have snapped, i got high. let all the steam out. sorry
This isnt about anyone. This is what i see in everyday world, i noticed by the meer concept that even one of my wisest friends didnt understand. This is about facing who i am. Its equivillent to on a hill shouting to the heavens, and to the people below. The mere revealing of my soul, revealing to the world who i am inside. It wasnt just about hate, its also about love. Its about what i dont like, and what i love. I realised after i calmed down, and looked at it. I think that its something people needed to hear. Something to better understand me, and themselves.
I still judge myself, i hate myself for what i do, for the things i do that piss me off. This was looking at the mirror as well as the world. Wow, sometimes i do things that are so random no one understands |
|
|
| This is my Cry on the mountains. My gift for you |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|06:21 pm] |
this is how i feel, this is how i felt, and i garuntee, that this right now, this feeling is how i will always feel.
Humanity. Homo Sapien. This is what i have to say to all those fucks out there.
YOU WEAK, SELFISH, NARCISTIC, UNWORTHY, SHALLOW HUMAN BEINGS!!!
do you think, for one istant that your life is part of some GOD DAMN scheme to make a world a better place. You want to make a world a better place, do one of two things
A: KILL YOURSELF! dont worry people will get over it.
B: throw away ALL natural ties to being a human. Pride, Need to reproduce, The constant search for meaning.
Ill tell you one thing. If you cant see past something, if you cant get over something by any means necessary then you dont deserve to live. I'm sorry, if shit happens, get the fuck up, and give it to them back ( THIS IS WHAT IM DOING NOW!!!!)
Try giving up something you want more than anything on this world, Try to turn your back on yourself, Then when you know how that feels, do it again, and again, and fucking again. Till its routine, you have no idea how much strength, and how much you will become greater. Now dont do this for that sole purpose, do it because for another person they can be happy, they wont have any discomfort. SACRIFICE! thats the key, thats what i have done all my life. WHAT I WANT I DONT GET! WHAT I WANT I WILL NEVER HAVE!
what i want is someone not just anyone, someone that doesnt need to look at a physical being to see true beauty. Some thing that can look at Pure ugliness and fall in love with it.
Don't think for one instance, that i need anyones fucking help. I have gone back through 1 year of hell, i have survived 20 years of lonliness, pain, and betrayel.
I never blamed myself at all, I never cut, tried to commit suicide, or any of that shit, I gained the second most primary of Emmotion.
HATE!!!! the very thing that keeps my heart going, Hate. I learned from it, i know there are no happy endings, not for a person like me. Not from someone that at everyone from the outside. I eliminated my main ego. I dont care if i die tonight, tomorrow or at the end of this post. I know for one thing, that when that time comes, I will feel relieved, happy, and joyful. That i can go to a place where my needs are irrelevent, more irrelevent that it is now.
This isnt about any one person, or group of people, this is about all of this as a whole. CUT THE FUCKING SHIT! When humanity is fucked, its not going to matter who you are, what you have done, and where you are now. Its a matter on what you do, when the cards are stacked against you. Are you going to cry and beg for you life. Or you going to kill, hurt, and mame, so you just might save it.
thats it thats all i have to say, no thats a lie, i have so much more, but i feel after you read this, and if you do, thats good, youll understand that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Im out, and as much as i hate you all, i love you. You all have so much potential to be better. Just realise it. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|11:47 pm] |
what the fuck am i thinking, right now im to overanalyzing this whole fucking situation, its a matter of chance, that this bull shit will blow over, god, i cant take this anymore, i cant take this fucking nagging feeling out of my head, and i know why.
FUCKING DAMNIT! i always, ALWAYS, go for the ones i cant have, I ALWAYS go through this process. AND EVERYTIME, it fucking kills me in the inside.
i dont know why, i need to get my shit together, wake the fuck up and smell these shit filled roses. i cant take this anymome,
it always fucking happens |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|09:39 pm] |
okey dokey, its been about a month or so, since i posted my last entry, i guess, more or less, i have been content. Kinda lonely, but the lesbians make it better (amanda bonnie jackie anna).
I'm in love, im in love with someone that would be perfect for me. God i wish i was handsome, inside people tell me im beautiful, but these days, that shit doesnt matter.
I want to kill the narcissist within ourselves. |
|
|
| THIS IS MY TESTAMENT OF MY SCARS! |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|10:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  infuriated | ] |
alright.
no, not yet......
ok.
here we go!
Fuck you, do you honestly think that your ideals are possible, now i ask you, given the current situations. That what ever part you make think your life may be petty, realise this. EVERY PART OF YOUR LIFE IS PETTY!!! yes, your life is so insignifigance, do you realise what happens when you die. no im not talking about where you go, but what happens here on earth. Yes those that love you will mourn you. Do honestly think that your role in there lives wont be replaced. I have lost to many friends, by moving, death, or simply they dont like me anymore. yeah i understand why i lose friends. I know why i have such few now. BUT FUCK YOU!!! to think that i give a shit, to think that the few friends i have now dont cut it. MY FAM'LEE gives me more love than most people have given me all my life. Yeah i understand that you people think that "Kevin your being dramatic" though is drama merely speaking something that has been bugging me for awhile. no, im a TERRORIST (in a way) radical ideas can only be expressed by radical means. Then yes, I AM A TERRORIST! do you think if Jesus didnt die on the cross, that people would worship him none the less. Do you think if Moses didnt turn his back on his heritage, and fight the very person who he called brother that people would love him none the less. Do you think if those two towers didnt burn down, would we still feel the love for another like we did after that tragedy.
I'm tired of people that look at the ugly, and thats all they see. You fucking call yourself a human. NO, your a snobby little bitch who can't handle their own mortality. Try to kill yourself, then you'll understand. DONT TRY TO KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU THINK YOUR LIFE SUCKS!!! look at this world, and the children that have to fight wars, and starve, so you can have that special car, or those nice clothes, or that fucking comfy house you live in.
Look at the world, soak it in, and love it as your own, then try to picture yourself blind from childbirth, you cant can you, but yet people have to live with that emptyness all there life, though the fuck of it, some of them dont feel that they are missing much.
alright, thats better, no its not, cause i know people. you may read this or not, but if you do, how much thought would you put into this. some of my comments might offend you, then good, that means your guilty of some of this shit. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2006|08:26 pm] |
|
"Our Beautiful Roses "
to speak in ways of riddled tongues.
the sprout of this lonliest seed.
as the shattered wedding bells rung.
we hate out of our desire and need.
budding of this twisted flower,
polluted sight of its cancerous dew.
blackish yellow sight of jagged peddles.
red tipped thorns that slice our throats open.
then pollen of SARS, and heroine.
with nectar of spit and oil.
we see our violence, we smell this aroma.
self concious minds breed judgmental love.
we drudge ourselves in this beautiful shit.
the flower withers, and drops in its own composure.
we kill this weed, but inturn spawn more.
latest one, tell me what you think, peace out
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2006|07:58 pm] |
Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously.
Anything.
a story,
a secret,
a confession,
a fear,
a love,
ANYTHING.
hey post, and try this on your own, i wonder what someone will say |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|11:54 pm] |
shit where to begin in all of this craziness, im tired mostly. not only physically but mentally, i dont know, i think i need start a sleep schedule.
im happy im out in the real world now, it makes me feel more compitent, im glad i have the my famliy and friends, there helping out alot with this sudden shift of lifestyles. i start working full time on thurs, 7 day work week. but i do have some free time on in my life, though not much,
im going to post my new schedule now, cause i need to know how many hours im getting.
mon: 7-3 (dunks) 4-9 (BK)
tues: 7-3 (dunks) 4-9 (BK)
wed: 7-3 (dunks) 4-9 (BK)
thurs:7-3 (dunks)
fri: 7-3 (dunks)
sat: 10-3 (BK)
sun: 7-1 (dunks)
YEEHAA!!! though its only temporary, until i get a car and lisence, then im heading off to someplace else hopefully with a better pay, and better hours. also im saving up for college.
im going to see how much i can take of this before i collapse, it should be fun, oh well. peace out
OH AND ONE MORE MUTHER FUCKING THING!!!! I AM NOT GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2006|10:49 pm] |
|
FUCK HIGHSCHOOL IM OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!
NHCTC HERE I FUCKING COME!!!!!!!
Im out of there, this is it!!!! the moment i have been waiting for, the past 5 years, have been worth it though. PEACE OUT!!!! |
|
|
| OH SHIT! i have been thinking again! |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|10:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  EXISTENTIAL | ] |
yeah i had a good time with gabby, she makes me smile, and i make her smile, what more could you ask for |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|09:45 pm] |
so how is everyone, thats good, im.......FAN-FUCKIN-TASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah so my mom, mary and angela are up for three weeks, SO FUCKING HAPPY TO SEE THEM!!!! i missed them so much, and my how mary has grown, last time i saw her she was barely crawling, now she walks, paddy cakes like no ones business, and loves to cause trouble, and looking cute doing it. she doesnt remeber me, but no matter what our connection is always strong, and she always has a good time. angela has grown. she is so tall, and so much fun to be around. very smart too, right now she has a 4th grade reading comprehension. which is awesome cause she just graduated 1ST GRADE!!!!! shit shes going to be a smart ass when shes older,
well i got a date sat night, with one Miss Gabby Carberry. IM excited. but ill talk about that later, well peace out |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2006|11:01 pm] |
|
wow, i know this has been a long time, though shit has been great, been happy with everything ya know, i was just chilling, hanging with my bro, went to the beach got a fucking tan, happy bout that. shit im happy. peace out all |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2006|12:08 am] |
"When its night time, in your head"
The skies are cracking up.
Grass of burning green.
Snakes with saddles, and hay rides.
White ponys chase white rabbits.
My footsteps color the ground of acid rock.
The sounds of bees on helium.
Kids of red eyes, and sweaty palms.
blowing smoke rings, and french inhales.
Find the the place of the questioning catapillars,
The place of nervous rabbits, slender giants.
Roads of veinish hue.
Laughs of twisted grins.
We are rolling high, and riding low.
We are strung out dry, needles cold.
This is the place of escape.
The candy stings, and trips of balls.
We run to chase wild dreams, and dangerous futures.
Its time to go.
To much, is not good.
Next week i stay alittle longer.
Authors note: I have been wanting to write this for a long time. i have had this image in my head, drugs becoming actual things. A walk down the world of cartoonish life. It just came to me, i wanted to express it in words. I like this poem, alot. i mean ALOT!
tell me what you think |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2006|11:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
" Halls of Tears and Bouquets"
Sobs fill their fractured hearts,
The unspoken pain, wounds the soul.
Lines of last respects.
Casket colored of blackest coal.
His eyes shut, hands folded.
Pale skin, blushed cheeks.
The makeup, failing to convince life.
His peaceful rest, his unending sleep.
The regrets, the trauma. HIS decision.
Flashes of laughs, scenes of tears.
The last moments, the missed opportunities
Now realising their true fears.
Authors Note: This is the last installment of suicide poems. I'm going to revise these, and make it into a Trilogy of poems. Leading the cause causality, and effect of suicide. I hope this instills some learning, to love all and to say how you feel to those you care for the most. They just might need it right now.
I NEED YOUR OPINION!!!! if you think my poetry sucks tell me, so i know i should stop. I'm practicing, but if it blows then i need to know, if you write try to give me some tips. i want to be become better |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2006|12:46 am] |
" The Causality of Mordom"
The streaks of red anger,
Coldness of dull steel.
His tears of accepted danger,
Finally ending this ordeal.
The torn skin and exposed life,
Relief of what is now done.
This sole purpose of the tarnished knife.
His eyes drift lower to see his destruction
Intense glares as it drips down his fingers.
Eyes shutting, sobs now ending.
"This is it, now I wait."
"This is it, now i wait."
"This is it, now I"
"This is it"
"This is it"
"This is it"
"This is........"
Authors note: This was written last night i got home from a party, pretty high. i dont want to give away what this is about. I want you to guess, Anyways this is a wierd thing. I just let it come out. The only thing i really worked on was the words and sentence structures. It was nice, cause after that i went to bed, and slept like a dog. It was refreshing.
Tell me how you like this, cause yeah. i like to know. I think if i write enough. I might want to get it published. My real first dream.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|03:29 am] |
this isnt what it seems, now you gatta realise, that this is all it exactly seems to be. you have a certain situation hs nothing new. Its a place i have been through many times. its not that bad, . its a quiet place, i dont know if you believe in this. i guess its a matter of questioning things in life. it maybe things now, are things tomorrow, all i know is, its bull shit. dont worry, just dont worry, people will seee things in a better night.
i just wrote that without looking at the screen, i just wrote what came, im not going to read it now, maybe tomorrow maybe friday. dont know anymore. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2006|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  empty | ] |
i look back at makeshift year books, never really liked the real ones, wasnt in the m at all. i guess thats how i like it, i want people to foget who i am more or less. comfortable like that.
i read thes somewhat sincere messages, touched, but conciously suspicious of there motives, was it them really feeling that, or wanted to put that down, because they really didnt have anything good to say.
i dont know, nights like these, well all fri and sat nights. just home by myself, waiting for something to happen, times like these, i just feel really empty inside. no worries, when i wake up in the morning, ill get up, put on the worn grin of mine, and head to work.
SMILES EVERYONE SMILES :)................ |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
itsowndespair17's journal